Okay. I think one of the most important things in talking to *anyone* who’s upset about something is not to bring yourself *in any way* into the conversation. If someone says their back’s hurting, then they don’t want a response of “oh, I had that last year! It was *really* painful, but I did this, this and this and it was all better!” They want sympathy and understanding, not the person’s life story. Petty example, but you get the idea.

In the same way, if someone’s been raped, and talked to someone who had been too, there would be a danger that the counseller [1] would be thinking of their own experience, and that would colour their judgement and affect their ability to talk to the person. A new, fresh perspective on it, in contrast, might bring views and possibilities that the victim/counsellee hadn’t considered. And yes, they might be unaware of a couple of bits of terminology. But I think the benefits could far outweigh the couple of extra sentences needed to explain what a “twink” is. (And no, I didn’t know the word before now!)

It’s the same thing with relationship counselling. A couple of family friends have gone through one or more really nasty divorces and stuff, and then gone on to be marriage counsellors! Yes, they can say they’ve been there. But won’t their judgement be coloured by their own experience? If there are issues that the counsellor hasn’t resolved about their own divorce/situation, then they would have to be *very* careful not to let that influence them in any way. It is possible to do that, but it’s very difficult.

I’m not saying that *only* people who have had no experience of the situation could help. But they definitely have a very valid input, and may shed light in a way that others never could. People who *have* been through the experience are great, as long as they don’t place their own experience higher than that of the person they’re counselling.

For the most part, the only time a narcissist turns up in counseling is when it’s for a close family member, and they fight and That makes a lot of sense, again. Narcissists appear to frequently have relationship conflicts, and I can see that it might be exceedingly difficult to establish a therapeutic relationship with one. Doubly so in a group or relationship counselling context. Simply put, you have to be willing to eat a little crow in the therapy room, and which narcissists have the inclination for that?

From what I’ve read, most narcissists give up before the therapists do. Most psychologists and/or psychiatrists don’t specialize in that particular cluster of personality disorders (borderline, antisocial, histrionic, and narcissistic).

The behaviour of “playing games” to address one’s own issues sounds much more like NPD’s allied disorders, borderline and antisocial. Which isn’t to rule it out with respect to NPD.

Interestingly enough, there’s some literature that seems to show that treatment approaches for out-and-out psychopaths increase their criminal behaviour – by teaching them how to empathize, they learn to fake empathy. A charming side effect indeed.

It’s been a topic of no little interest since Freud characterized it, but it’s only been in the DSM since 1980, and the Personality Disorders (as a group, but especially cluster B in which narcissism is found) are pretty under researched. They’re not sexy in terms of scientific trends and they’re incredibly hard to treat in any meaningful way. Which isn’t to say impossible; an effective psychotherapy for borderline personality has been developed, after all.

Not all answers are in the Steps.  When it comes to relationships, many of us are poorly qualified to comment.  Take one glance at my relationship history and you’d see the reality of this.  There are times when it’s appropriate to seek outside help for issues, and you’d not be the first person in recovery I’d suggest relationship counselling to.

I have shitty days at work.  Don’t we all?  But I feel my sobriety has very little to do with my job.  I put my sobriety first, but it is not dependant upon my job, or my income, or where I live, or what my partner may do.

It sounds like you resent hubby for wishing to take control of his working life.  You seem to believe he should put your working life first.  Perhaps you believe he should put your feelings first. Perhaps the way he’s conducted himself in the past makes all this seem
justifiable to you.

Yes, his DUI etc. may have led to this situation.  But past is past, there’s nothing anyone can do to change it.  ”No point crying over spilt milk”.  It’s not until we’ve worked at all the Steps that we start to appreciate others’ feelings and others’ points of view. Until then, we’re pretty much wrapped up in our own issues.  At 3 months sober, the odds are he’s nowhere near the “considering others” stage of Steps 10 and 11.  He could still be struggling with Steps 1 and 2.  At 3 months in your own recovery, maybe you’re not best-placed either to be considering his take on things without some effort.

When someone does something I dislike, and it makes me upset, I have to sit back rather than act on my first instinct.  This takes practice, and some painful lessons, because it’s a complete change of attitude to life and so doesn’t come naturally.  By handing the problem over to my HP, and working my own program, I have come to see that others do as they do not to snub me but because it’s what they believe they need to do.  Does it really matter whether they’re right?  When I picked myself up and brushed myself down after Step 1 hit me, I was forced to admit that I don’t always know what’s best even for me.  Therefore, by definition, I cannot always know what’s best for anyone else either.  I have to remind myself of this from time to time.

Yes, your feelings DO matter.  But remember, the only person who’s responsible for them is you.  The only person working your program is you.  The only person who can allow anyone else control over you is you.  If someone else is causing me suffering, I always have choices. I don’t always know what the choices are, and that’s where I find talking with my trusted friends helps.  The answers do come, and are sometimes surprising.  And when I accept life on life’s terms, rather than my own, even the hardest decisions can turn out to be not-so-bad-after-all.

Has anyone participated in psychotherapy for their FMS?  Like to hear about
your experience/feedback.

My doctor gave me the name of a psychotherapist who runs a group for chronic illness and functional disorders.  She has a group for FMS.

The potential benefits given in her literature are:
- coping skills
- reduced anxiety and depression
- improved relationships
- overall improvement in quality of life

with the following components:
- behavioural medicine
- guided imagery
- relaxation techniques
- pain management
- stress management
- mourning of losses
- peer support
- relationship counselling

Some of these components I have taken in the past and/or can teach myself. I was interested in attending the group especially for peer support but after a short discussion with her I’m not sure.  Told her I would get back to her.

I strongly believe that our emotions, attitudes, stress, etc. might cause some illnesses and most definitely will aggravate our weak links.  However, after years of misunderstanding about my pain and associated depression, and my reading of available literature, I’m not sure I want to go into a group where the facilitator states emphatically that it is her philosophy based on her readings that the cause of FMS is the underlying emotions.

I would like to look at the psychotherapy as part of my treatment especially to help me minimize/reduce the stress/pain/depression components of my illness.

I just feel that, for a facilitator of a group, the psychotherapist’s opinion is 1) too strong and 2) diametrically opposed to mine and I would be constantly on guard against it.  I’m open to new ideas but the “it’s all in your head” doesn’t seem to be the trend in research, except maybe in the psychriatric field whose literature I don’t follow.  I’m too used to researching things for myself and coming up with my own opinions and not just letting someone dump their ideas into my head.

when presented with a complex problem, unanticipated if not unpublished in the works of any religion (with the possible if oversimplified example in one of the Gospels where Christ is reported as having proclaimed an “adulteress” not married “in truth”), how does one proceed?

The problem is a real one, and I currently know of one real life example. Maybe you’ve encountered it given that a rough estimate based on MBTI distribution stats would number potentially susceptible marriages at about one in 500. Keep in mind that my use of the term “in love” is in the theoretically permanent form where the physical attraction is both subject and subsequent to the depth of the relationship, and so does not refer to the lower nature but to a longing for something more than the perfect bed partner.

A is in love with B having by above definition a deep and long lived relationship, but for some seemingly insurmountable reason (lack of parental consent would present a good Baha’i example), cannot marry B, so instead marries (contemporaneously second best?) C. While C is in love with A, A is not in love with C and the A-C relationship is, from A’s perspective, not marital but fraternal. After many years, B dies, A becomes suicidal at the
prospect of life without B even though married to C, and after some close calls, A falls in love with D and NOT at any point with C. A chooses relationship counselling with D, but not with C, while C, being fully aware of both the A-B, and A-D relationship clings ever more strongly to the marriage in spite of the circumstances. The counsellor for A-D would, if religious, have an objection on purely religious grounds to the A-D relationship as long as the A-C relationship is documented by contract as a marriage. However, would it be loving to counsel anyone into embracing a situation that inspires strong suicidal emotions?

You may well ask why A married C in the first place (as I often wonder), or why A persists in living in a fraternal relationship instead of moving to a live in a truly marital relationship. I’d suggest that if A had the answers, this situation would not persist, which is only one reason why psychotherapists (as opposed to priests) are such a valuable component of the community.

What I find truly faith-shattering having observed this via the testimony of the parties, is that most religious writ would favour the somewhat questionable marriage contract over the welfare of the parties – even though the execution of the marriage contract can not be demonstrated to endow any individual or community advantage over and above it’s ultimate dissolution.

A DISTURBING portrait of marriage in Ireland reveals shocking levels of violence in the home, with women nearly twice as likely as men to assault their partners.

The revelation that women are more likely to use physical force in marriages which have received counselling is just one of the provocative findings of the Government-commissioned study.

The 150-page report, Distressed Relationships Does Counselling  Help?, found that, at a “conservative estimate”, at least 10 per cent of all couples aged 30 to 40 have troubled marriages.

The report examined the marriages of 530 clients who sought counselling with Marriage and Relationship Counselling Services (MRCS) in 2000. Two-thirds of clients were couples and one-third individuals, the majority of whom were women.

By the very nature of the study, those who took part in it were in troubled marriages, but the authors’ findings suggest that domestic violence is not the significant cause but, instead, the result of unhappy relations.

Words do far more damage, the report suggests. Criticism and insults are among the major factors and men’s failure to listen to their wives, and their inability to deal with conflict, was cited in nine of 10 of the marriages surveyed.

Infidelity, drink and pressures of work, often believed to be major factors in the breakdown of marriages, were not found to be the major problems. In fact, the more mundane but highly divisive factor of division of labour in the home was singled out.
The pressure of running the home “single-handed” and intense frustration at bringing up children without proper support from their husbands are major causes of distress among wives.

The report found that, “on balance, it seems that men and women benefit about equally from marriage”. Marriage for men means they will enjoy better health. For women the major benefits come from a higher income.

At the other end of the scale, a bad marriage is “vastly more stressful” than other life events such as poverty or unemployment. It leads to depression in women and poor physical health in men.

Violence was a feature of almost half of the marriages surveyed, of which women were the perpetrators in 41 per cent of cases and men 26 per cent. The violence was mutual in 33 per cent of cases.

A central point is the critical importance of marriage for human well-being. Married people are happier than single, widowed, separated or remarried people, providing the marriage is sound.

Having monitored this board for a few months now to see if anyone was in the same predicament as me, I decided to write all down and ask for advice. Last summer things were not going so well. Sales and comissions were down, my wife’s hours at the local school had been cut, and we were struggling to make ends meet. The children (we have three) were playing up a lot, and my wife appeared to be much stressed at times. Our sex life was non exsistent, which I put down to current situation. I tried to give her as much
space as possible, getting home early from work, taking all the children out to give her more time for herself, even a whole week of work so she could have a time away with her
sister. I believed that our strong love for each other would see us alright in the end.

However a few days after she returned from her holiday she told me one morning that she no longer loved me anymore, although she still cared for me. I was devastated, this was
completely out of the blue, though with the benefit of hindsight perhaps I should have seen some signs. She talked of the possibility of “open relationships” and how we both
needed to spend more time on our own. A couple of weeks later I discovered on the table on morning a letter she had written to her lover ending their current relationship.
This relationship had been carrying on all spring and summer, including the week away when she was meant to be with her sister. Her lover, who has a reputation for disrupting marriages, had now dumped my wife in favour of a younger single woman who has money.

Since then I have learned how live with a person, who I think at heart I still love. However my head tells me to be more pratical and accept the situation as it is. From subsequent notes I have discovered my wife still writes of loving the other man and looking after him once his younger partner has moved on. Financially my wife cannot afford to live on her own, she depends on my income. Fortunately the children are oblivious to all this and live life as normal. If my wife could support herself I am sure she would leave immediately, and I would have the prospect of being a single father, looking after the children.

What should I do now? Confront my wife with the information I know but she doesn’t know I know? Throw her out to find her own way in life? Carry on as before. I really do not
know the best thing to do for her, me and the children. I know she would not accept relationship counselling, because she would be too embarressed to go.

Could the honeymoon be over for Hollywood`s most glamorous couple, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston?

Reports from the US claim their marriage is on the rocks after rows about DIY and children. A source close to the couple said: “Things have been pretty rocky lately.”

Pitt, 39, is said to be desperate to start a family and is doing up their luxury homes in Beverley Hills and Santa Barbara, but Aniston, 33, is refusing to quit her award-winning series, Friends.

The hit comedy about six New Yorkers earns Aniston a hefty salary and she has refused to turn down an offer of £625,000 per episode as the show goes into its final series. Picking up a Golden Globe for Friends recently, Aniston failed to thank Pitt in her acceptance speech, which didn`t help matters.

The golden couple married in July 2000. Aniston has said she does want kids, just not yet.The situation is believed to be serious enough to have had their celebrity pal Courteney Cox Arquette suggest relationship counselling.

It reportedly helped the raven-haired Friends` beauty when things got tricky with her husband, actor David Arquette. However, the session didn`t help and Pitt and Aniston are now believed to be looking around for an alternative therapist.

AUSTRALIA’S leading relationship counselling body is urging lonely older single women to become lesbians.

Relationships Australia spokesman Jack Carney said men’s shorter life spans, and their pursuit of much younger women, meant women in their twilight years were often forced to turn to other women for love and companionship.

Mr Carney said the government-funded support group encouraged older women to explore lesbian relationships, which were seen as more nurturing and emotionally supportive.

Older women were even pooling their resources to buy property and making pacts to form couples if they did not find a male partner by a certain age, he said.

“As they get over 60, opportunities to get a man diminish substantially. Men marry younger women and they die about eight years younger, so there is a real male shortage,” Mr Carney said.

“And as women get even older it gets much worse, so we ask them to entertain the idea of lesbian relationships.”

Now forgive my ignorance, but if a couple of old ducks get lonely and decide to spend their time together, does that necessarily mean that they have to develop a passion for carpet munching? I struggle with the concept that you can’t have a friend of the same gender without being gay. If people are gay then they’re gay, but be fucked if anyone’s going to tell me that after I die, if my wife chooses to live with a mate of hers, that that classifies
her as a dyke.

A government-funded relationship counselling service in Australia says widowed or single older women “should consider becoming lesbians” as lesbian relationships are more nurturing and emotionally supportive.

The comment from Jack Carney of Relationships Australia was based on anecdotal evidence that suggests that many women are already getting together to buy property and have agreements to form couples if neither partner finds a man by a certain age.

“As they get over 60, opportunities to get a man diminish substantially. Men marry younger women and they die about eight years younger, so there is a real male shortage,” Carney said. “As women get even older it gets much worse, so we ask them to entertain the idea of lesbian relationships.”

Myra Flynn of lesbian support group Older Dykes has observed the trend also, but believes it is a mixture of women who married heterosexually in earlier times when one could not be open about their sexuality, and those who are “defaulting” to lesbian relationships because of a lack of men.