Hi. Long post, sorry about that, but a genuine request for help.

I’ve been a ‘lurker’ in this group for some months, and it’s taken me a long time to find the courage to share feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time. You don’t see much information or assistance for gay men and impotence, one of the common stereotypes is that all gay men are hyper-sexual. There’s no discussion of impotence anywhere in the gay press, as far as I can remember or see. It seems to be a total taboo.

I’m really sad at the moment after ending a four-year relationship with a guy I was really fond of, would have done anything for, and who had become a major, if not the central part, of my life. It was only a few months after I met him, that I began thinking he suffered from ED. He began to do everything possible to avoid sex, starting with pushing me away or resorting to hurtful, sometimes grotesquely offensive, insults about me physically,
whilst threatening me with the end of my relationship if I slept with other people and telling me ‘I shared his bed or nothing at all’.

I actually waited more than a year before I said anything, by which time it was totally obvious, what was so wrong. While I could have been enjoying myself with someone else, I had grown too fond, and cared just too much, to turn my back. When I first mentioned that I knew what was wrong, all hell was let loose. There were ‘no problems’ with other people, I ‘stank’,  I was ‘boring’ and ‘mentally unstimulating’, I was ‘obsessed’. I hoped, and
thought, he would overcome the false bravado and seek help. That went on for nearly three years. By the end of that period, I’d had enough, and breaking things off was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Don’t call me masochistic – I don’t think I am. It’s just that everything, apart from sex, was just fine. We shared interests, likes and dislikes, similar characters and strivings, but there was nothing, at all, sexually. There were dozens
and dozens of ways in which he resorted to prevent sex happening, all of them very, very sad.

When I got to the stage of nervous exhaustion over it all, I decided it was best ended. Since then, I’ve been in a state of emotional limbo. Did I wait enough, was I patient and understanding enough? Anyone who’s had similar experiences – I’d love to hear from you. Are there men who just can’t accept, and deal with, their ED, except by desexualising their relationships to the point of destroying them? Does anything, any offer of help or support, ever work with such people? How do you get over someone you’ve been desperately fond of, who just wouldn’t face up to their own problems in any other way except by blaming other people and making them pay? When do you call it a day and remove that person from your life? Any help, support or opinions more than gratefully received.

I’ve always wondered, if Hope likes farm life so much, why didn’t Victor just *BUY* her a new farm near GC where they could live. It’s not like farms can only exist in Kansas. I mean geez, look at that huge ranch where his ex nikki lives!!

Ah. Yet another thing in that story line that made no sense; another conflict that seemed to have *no* solution other than the one we got. The reason? Obviously, TPTB wanted to end that marriage by hook and/or by crook, so they made up all these bogus reasons, most of which were infinitely solvable.

Someone correct me if my memory is faulty.  I, too, wondered why Victor didn’t just buy Hope a farm.  After all, Nikki has the ranch, so there must be some rural areas near Genoa City.  But when Victor went to Kansas for Victor Jr.’s christening, I seem to recall Hope talking to Victor about not just the farm, but the people in that area in Kansas who had known Hope all her life, that made her decide to stay there.  It appeared that just any old farm wouldn’t do–it had to be Hope’s farm.

But as the dissolution of that marriage came from the same *mind* that gave us the Nick Newman Trial, the disappearance of Mamie, the Mari Jo/Keemo lookalike hooker switch, the Danny non-divorce, the Redemption of Malcolm, and the Luan Soap Mystery Disease, why should we have expected more?

I agree those were some pretty bizarre storylines.  It seems everyone in Genoa City can get a divorce at whim except Danny Romilotti.  I would have thought that, after watching John and Jill duke it out in divorce court and then change their minds at the last minute, the
judge in that case would have made them go to marriage counselling. But Danny and Phyllis get a court-ordered family counselling session just because of a two-minute testimony from Phyllis.

I also know nothing but hearsay about kibbutz. And I know nothing about family mediation (I like the term. I just do old-fashioned family counselling out here in the jungles). But my old hobby-horse of concepts jumps out of this messages. What is social bonding? I recently advised an international research funding agency against funding a study which aimed at studying the impact of migration on mother-child attachment. I know that this is a concept cherished by very famous people and there are lots of instruments to quantify it.
But what does it mean in operationalizable concepts, operationalizable (sorry) in terms of quantification and intervention? What is a ‘nuclear family’ in social/functional terms?
Not much meaning. What is ‘their community’ in such terms? Little meaning. And if someone thinks that ‘extended families are even better. so that there is support outside of the nuclear group’: we have one woman burnt to death in Delhi for more dowry by the
husband’s extended family every day. The problem is: the ‘harder’ data are the less relevant they tend to be in functional terms.

Speaking for myself, I am hoping she will drop the “Dr.” from her   name and stop imposing herself as a psychiatrist.

My husband tells me anyone with a PhD may use that title. I’m not sure Dr. Laura has told any one she is a physchiatrist, or physchologist. I think she has said she’s a licenced psychotherapist…and I’m still not convinced she’s not what she claims.

Your husband tells you that?  You didn’t know that on your own?! Uh……ok……….anyway, what I’m refering to is the portrayal of a PSYchiatrist that Doktor Laura knowingly enacts and her refusal to disclaim it due to monetary reasons (her ratings will go down).
I speak passionately from the halls of psychology, where hypocritical people like Doktor Laura give psychology a bad name and a black eye. The many other issues that Doktor Laura’s presence raises are interesting, but for me the integrity of psychology is paramount. If she wants to be truthful, she will remove the “Dr.” from her name on the air OR she will run a disclaimer before each and every show saying, “Dr. Laura is not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but has a degree in physiology.  She has a Marriage and Family Counselling Certificate.”
Also, in her books on on talk shows, she will not refer to her MFCC as “postdoctoral” as, although it is technically true, it is UNRELATED to her doctorate.

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Volunteers require good communication skills.  A second language and experience/background in human services are assets.  We require an 8 week commitment.  Volunteers are requested to commit to 8 or 16 hours per week….but there is room for negotiation here.  Volunteer support is required during normal working hours.  Information and inteviews are taking place between now and late January.  During January the training will be scheduled (2 days) and volunteers will be placed by February.

Oh, that was some of the most painful TV I have ever seen. Perhaps it is because I have had a couple of years of counselling in which we explored a rather similar situation to the one that this young woman is currently in.

So much guilt transference and aggression and rejection from the mother, and similar from the sister. No attempt to be gentle or to question their own roles in the young woman’s problems. That mother _knows_ what she has done, and is doing. That’s why she won’t go to family counselling.

I think this young woman is desperately trying to protect her family – just like you sometimes get when a victim of abuse tries to protect the perpetrator – because to admit that someone as basic as a mother could be so damaging is to face the fact that she is not loved by her mother, which is such an unnatural thing. No wonder this young woman feels unlovable.

I think that Tamsin needs counselling _about_ these family issues, but quite separate from the other family members. I think she would do better to be completely separate from them. Maybe then she could start to explore the harm that has been done to her, and maybe she would see that it is not all her fault.

I also wonder about the men in the family. With such a dominant mother and sister, what are the sons like, do you think?

Excrutiating, wasn’t it?

Your experience with an MSW raises a very important issue not only for non-supportive family members but also for the nature of professional interventions.

Any MSW who believes he/she has all the answers and is best able to make decisions for primary caregivers is not only incompetent but also will usually only make the situation worse.

Professionals are late to this area of family support (save for the nursing profession) and  95% of the useful info. used in family counselling comes from the collective experience of caregivers, not from any professional experience.

Any MSW who claims to be in a better position to make the important decisions than the primary caregivers is certainly a discredit to the profession.  The reason most MSWs do not want to work in the area of dementia is because there are no easy answers or no answers at all (The situations where involuntary outside intervention are needed are few and far between) .

All professionals should consider themselves as consultants to family caregivers providing info., referral and support to the caregivers who are making the tough decisions and who live the consequences of those decisions.

We professionals usually put in our 8 hours at the office and go home where AD is not present.  Caregivers and the persons with AD live this 24 hours/day, 7days/week, month after month, and years without a break.

How can any MSW say that he/she knows more than the caregiver about whatever decisions which need to be made?

Intervention is a meeting of the minds and hearts where the experience of working with many families (MSW) combines with the experience of one specific family (caregiver).

It is the counselling which caregivers provide me which allows me to develop relationships with their loved ones with AD without getting kiched out of their homes.

A sad reality is that professionals will often say that caregivers are resistant or in denial when they do not return for a next visit instead of examining the initial intervention style and apologizing to caregivers when the lines have been crossed.

We professionals all make mistakes when developing relationships with families.  The challenge is admitting the error of our ways and learning from it to improve our future interventions with caregivers and persons with AD.

In closing, families should beware of MSWs who claim to have the answers.

FWIW,  two people I love very much (my singing partners) spoke inappropriately about my emotions for years, in spite of the fights about it and my bad reactions to it.  Eventually, we went for family counselling, and they finally “got” that talking about my emotions in a different way would elicit a different set of reactions, and that the way that they had been talking about them was, to me, patronizing and rude.  We did not love each other more or less before the counselling, but we definitely get along better now.

i just want to say how clever and good and useful i think it is that you and your singing partners went in for family counselling.

Hurray for new and different definitions of family. i read this and i thought “oh! of course, family counselling! i wouldn’t have thought of that, but yes!”

I think we originally got the idea from another singing group that went for group counselling.  It made perfect sense to all three of us immediately, although it took a while to do anything about it. We had to all agree to do it at one time, and we had to agree
on a counsellor.

There were no gospel writers present at any time. It is extremely unlikely that a gospel writer even knew Jesus. Luke admits as much in the first four verses of his gospel; and Paul, the earliest NT writer, simply ignores Jesus’ life for a theological argument about his purpose.

Could you explain in a bit more detail what you mean here.  In the last chapter of his gospel, he indicates that he is the one he has been refering to throughout the whole gospel as ‘the disciple Jesus loved’. Perhaps you have a different interpretation of this?

In this you are not that different from a person, who converts to Isalm and reads the Qur’an on a regular basis. I do not doubt your faith, I was once a Christian myself. In time I came to the realization that Reason was the true gift of God, not faith, and became a Deist.
Personal beliefs may be powerful but do not in themselves prove a truth.

I’m afraid I’m a bit ignorant as to what a deist is (I guess I’m in danger of getting flamed on a deist ng!), could you give me a brief explanation of your beliefs.

You believe you have a relationship with Jesus, not unlike a Hindu who believes he has a relationship with Siva. Remember I was once a christian, and now recognize that my faith blinded me where Jesus was concerned.

Sure, but I have to be true to my understanding and revelation – you can always counter your beliefs with ‘someone else believes something else’ – that goes for your belief system as well.  There are people who believe Elvis is still alive, but that doesn’t stop me thinking he isn’t.

Most of these positive values comes from the Hebrew Scriptures, the New Testament has teachings, where Jesus, tells children to hate their parents, that he will divide and break up families, etc. People who  think the NT have good values have not read it carefully enough.

I’m sure in your mind your last statement has an element of accuracy in it, but by making that sort of statement, you discredit your other arguments (which in some cases are challenging/interesting).  I won’t bother quoting the endless number of scriptures about loving your neighbour, honouring parents, giving generously, being kind, compassionate etc.  I am surprised that someone who seems to be quite intelligent could make such an absurd statement.

I think Jesus teaching was very accurate.  If you look at history, families have been divided, brothers have put one another to death etc. because of their faith.  You are putting the value of a persons relationship with their family as more important than their relationship with God.  When Jesus said ‘Hate your mother and Father’ he clearly didn’t mean it in the literal sense that you interpret it in, as when he was being crucified, he looked down to his mother and asked John to look after her.  Now that’s love.  What he meant was that if there is a conflict in what God wants and what your parents want, then you have to choose Gods way.  If you look at society, many of the strongest families are christian – so it seems that being christians strengthens the family.  (I am not in any way implying that non- Christians or other religions can also not have this, but surely if the effect of Jesus was disunity in the family – christian families would be a mess.  I have a very close relationship with both of my parents, whom I love very much, and also with my wife and child.  Jesus loves the family)

Many strong christian marriages and families implies some superiority over non-religious or other-religious groups, or that christianity has it right and others do not.  I was merely responding to Rev P’s point that Jesus’ intention was to break up families (see earlier post).

I was stating that surely if this was the case, christians the world over would not be trying to promote family and family values.  They would surely see building a strong family as going against their Lord’s wishes.  There are numerous christian based charities which promote and endeavour to strengthen the family (eg care for the Family, Rapport
etc).  Many churches assist in marriage and family counselling.

I think you took my point further than I had intended – I just wanted to use the fact that, without reference to any other groups, if christians are for the family (which all the christians I have ever spoken to on the subject are) then surely Rev P’s interpretation that
Jesus wants families destroyed and parents hated cannot be valid.

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