Hi. Long post, sorry about that, but a genuine request for help.
I’ve been a ‘lurker’ in this group for some months, and it’s taken me a long time to find the courage to share feelings and thoughts I’ve had for a long time. You don’t see much information or assistance for gay men and impotence, one of the common stereotypes is that all gay men are hyper-sexual. There’s no discussion of impotence anywhere in the gay press, as far as I can remember or see. It seems to be a total taboo.
I’m really sad at the moment after ending a four-year relationship with a guy I was really fond of, would have done anything for, and who had become a major, if not the central part, of my life. It was only a few months after I met him, that I began thinking he suffered from ED. He began to do everything possible to avoid sex, starting with pushing me away or resorting to hurtful, sometimes grotesquely offensive, insults about me physically,
whilst threatening me with the end of my relationship if I slept with other people and telling me ‘I shared his bed or nothing at all’.
I actually waited more than a year before I said anything, by which time it was totally obvious, what was so wrong. While I could have been enjoying myself with someone else, I had grown too fond, and cared just too much, to turn my back. When I first mentioned that I knew what was wrong, all hell was let loose. There were ‘no problems’ with other people, I ‘stank’, I was ‘boring’ and ‘mentally unstimulating’, I was ‘obsessed’. I hoped, and
thought, he would overcome the false bravado and seek help. That went on for nearly three years. By the end of that period, I’d had enough, and breaking things off was the toughest thing I’ve ever done. Don’t call me masochistic – I don’t think I am. It’s just that everything, apart from sex, was just fine. We shared interests, likes and dislikes, similar characters and strivings, but there was nothing, at all, sexually. There were dozens
and dozens of ways in which he resorted to prevent sex happening, all of them very, very sad.
When I got to the stage of nervous exhaustion over it all, I decided it was best ended. Since then, I’ve been in a state of emotional limbo. Did I wait enough, was I patient and understanding enough? Anyone who’s had similar experiences – I’d love to hear from you. Are there men who just can’t accept, and deal with, their ED, except by desexualising their relationships to the point of destroying them? Does anything, any offer of help or support, ever work with such people? How do you get over someone you’ve been desperately fond of, who just wouldn’t face up to their own problems in any other way except by blaming other people and making them pay? When do you call it a day and remove that person from your life? Any help, support or opinions more than gratefully received.