FWIW,  two people I love very much (my singing partners) spoke inappropriately about my emotions for years, in spite of the fights about it and my bad reactions to it.  Eventually, we went for family counselling, and they finally “got” that talking about my emotions in a different way would elicit a different set of reactions, and that the way that they had been talking about them was, to me, patronizing and rude.  We did not love each other more or less before the counselling, but we definitely get along better now.

i just want to say how clever and good and useful i think it is that you and your singing partners went in for family counselling.

Hurray for new and different definitions of family. i read this and i thought “oh! of course, family counselling! i wouldn’t have thought of that, but yes!”

I think we originally got the idea from another singing group that went for group counselling.  It made perfect sense to all three of us immediately, although it took a while to do anything about it. We had to all agree to do it at one time, and we had to agree
on a counsellor.

There were no gospel writers present at any time. It is extremely unlikely that a gospel writer even knew Jesus. Luke admits as much in the first four verses of his gospel; and Paul, the earliest NT writer, simply ignores Jesus’ life for a theological argument about his purpose.

Could you explain in a bit more detail what you mean here.  In the last chapter of his gospel, he indicates that he is the one he has been refering to throughout the whole gospel as ‘the disciple Jesus loved’. Perhaps you have a different interpretation of this?

In this you are not that different from a person, who converts to Isalm and reads the Qur’an on a regular basis. I do not doubt your faith, I was once a Christian myself. In time I came to the realization that Reason was the true gift of God, not faith, and became a Deist.
Personal beliefs may be powerful but do not in themselves prove a truth.

I’m afraid I’m a bit ignorant as to what a deist is (I guess I’m in danger of getting flamed on a deist ng!), could you give me a brief explanation of your beliefs.

You believe you have a relationship with Jesus, not unlike a Hindu who believes he has a relationship with Siva. Remember I was once a christian, and now recognize that my faith blinded me where Jesus was concerned.

Sure, but I have to be true to my understanding and revelation – you can always counter your beliefs with ‘someone else believes something else’ – that goes for your belief system as well.  There are people who believe Elvis is still alive, but that doesn’t stop me thinking he isn’t.

Most of these positive values comes from the Hebrew Scriptures, the New Testament has teachings, where Jesus, tells children to hate their parents, that he will divide and break up families, etc. People who  think the NT have good values have not read it carefully enough.

I’m sure in your mind your last statement has an element of accuracy in it, but by making that sort of statement, you discredit your other arguments (which in some cases are challenging/interesting).  I won’t bother quoting the endless number of scriptures about loving your neighbour, honouring parents, giving generously, being kind, compassionate etc.  I am surprised that someone who seems to be quite intelligent could make such an absurd statement.

I think Jesus teaching was very accurate.  If you look at history, families have been divided, brothers have put one another to death etc. because of their faith.  You are putting the value of a persons relationship with their family as more important than their relationship with God.  When Jesus said ‘Hate your mother and Father’ he clearly didn’t mean it in the literal sense that you interpret it in, as when he was being crucified, he looked down to his mother and asked John to look after her.  Now that’s love.  What he meant was that if there is a conflict in what God wants and what your parents want, then you have to choose Gods way.  If you look at society, many of the strongest families are christian – so it seems that being christians strengthens the family.  (I am not in any way implying that non- Christians or other religions can also not have this, but surely if the effect of Jesus was disunity in the family – christian families would be a mess.  I have a very close relationship with both of my parents, whom I love very much, and also with my wife and child.  Jesus loves the family)

Many strong christian marriages and families implies some superiority over non-religious or other-religious groups, or that christianity has it right and others do not.  I was merely responding to Rev P’s point that Jesus’ intention was to break up families (see earlier post).

I was stating that surely if this was the case, christians the world over would not be trying to promote family and family values.  They would surely see building a strong family as going against their Lord’s wishes.  There are numerous christian based charities which promote and endeavour to strengthen the family (eg care for the Family, Rapport
etc).  Many churches assist in marriage and family counselling.

I think you took my point further than I had intended – I just wanted to use the fact that, without reference to any other groups, if christians are for the family (which all the christians I have ever spoken to on the subject are) then surely Rev P’s interpretation that
Jesus wants families destroyed and parents hated cannot be valid.

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“So God created human beings in His own image, in the image of God He created them, male and female He created them”. Gen 1:27 (NIV)

The traditional model of the family which we see in the Bible is that headed by two parents, male and female, in holy matrimony.

A child is conceived when a sperm from the father fertilises an egg from the mother. The DNA of the resulting child, except for in a few cases of genetic abnormality, consists of 23 chromosomes from the father and 23 chromosomes from the mother. The child is thus biologically descended in more or less equal proportions from both parents.

Because of these biological facts, children enjoy a special relationship and bond with both natural parents that does not exist with outsiders. The father and mother both being present in the home also provide both male and female role models to the children whether they be male or female.

In society there are many families where these ideals are not met for many reasons. We must ensure that such families are not disadvantaged through adverse circumstances, but at the same time we must discourage the idea that it is OK for one or other of the parents to walk away from their family and fail through their own selfishness to meet their
parental obligations.

We must conclude that one of the major motivations for the advancement of gay marriage or its equivalent, such as the CUB, along with the rights to adopt children, is to promote the gay lifestyle as acceptable and ideal to children in their formative years. It must be a major plank of the gay rights agenda to try to increase the number of gay people in society to the point of gaining even more influence politically and elsewhere.

Aside from the obvious fact that a family headed by two gay people cannot themselves reproduce, some lesbian couples have had children by artificial insemination from sperm donation. The child born by this process is forced to deny the existence of their biological father who is not present in the family home and is not allowed to have any input into
his children’s upbringing. Furthermore parents are very important role models. Families headed by heterosexual married couples provide the important male and female role models for children. Families headed by gay couples are unbalanced in denying the role model of one gender to the child(ren).
“Marriage is a lifelong covenant commitment between a man and a woman.

This foundation provides the best possible environment to raise our children.”

It sounds to me like your sister may have several problems not all of which are associated with her schizophrenia.  I’ve never heard of anyone with schizophrenia becoming wild and rebellious due to their schizophrenia. Psychotic and paranoid, yes.  Wild and rebellious, no.  It may be that many of the problems you are having in dealing with her are related to other problems she is having outside of her schizophrenia.  Is she currently on medication for schizophrenia?  Doe she experience psychotic symptoms?  If her behaviour is any way related to psychosis maybe she needs to be on a higher dose of medication.  Maybe the medication she is on is not working for her and she needs to try a different one.  Talk to her psychiatrist.  I feel for you but I am not experienced at lending advice for someone facing behavioural problems from a sibling.  That’s what I hear you complaining about, behavioural issues not schizophrenic issues.  Maybe you all need to see a psychologist for some family counselling to help you get along better and respect each other more.  My wife’s a psychologist.  I’ll bet she could help you.  Sorry that I can’t.

A friend of mine is widowed with 2 children, a boy who will be 17 in august and a 15 year old girl. The boy has been in court several times and arrested and cautioned for several minor offences. Social services were initially involved (at the request of the father)when they thgought he was a  possible victim, but when they established, prior to him being
aged 16, that he  was a ‘delinquent’ they washed their hands of him. He has beaten his sister many times, threatened her with a knife and threatened to burn the house, which is rented, down. His father is at his wits end and very concerned at the latest incident when the boy kicked the front door down and was reported to the housing association. The dad thinks eviction may be on the cards. Where does the father stand legally as far as care for the son and eviction are concerned. He thinks it would be better for the son to live elsewhere. Any advice gratefully received,

Suspiciously similar to another recent post.  However, “innocent until proven guilty”…

Sounds hormonal.  Perhaps the son wants to move out, but is worried about the financial implications and therefore feels trapped.  If his behaviour towards his sister and his threats are serious, perhaps he needs medical help rather than legal sanctions.

If social services were genuinely concerned (and not incompetent) they would not wash their hands of someone.  Have the problems escalated since then?  If so, they may need to reopen their file.  Might the son have felt victimised by the father for involving them? Eviction is not a magic wand.  I suspect the _family_ could use some counselling – both father and son may need to learn how to communicate. Look up the “Family Counselling” section (or equivalent) of the local Yellow Pages.

He thinks it would be better for the son to live elsewhere.

As a family counsellor, I try to discourage spanking as a way of dealing with children’s misbehaviors. Most parents will use spanking here and there, but some parents will use it at least 3 to 4 times a week… While in other cases, 3 to 4 times a day.

Spanking is always use impulsively when a parent is under a lot of pressure, tired, because he doesn’t have any other ways of disciplining his child, because of emotional problems, because he thinks it is OK or because it is the way he has been brought up (to name just a few). All the parents I deal with want to stop spanking their children, most of
them anyway, except the parent who thinks it’s right. In the later, I have to make him realise that spanking is not OK. It has a negative impact on the child. The child spanked will learn that spanking is OK when something goes wrong, use aggressivity to resolve his own
conflicts, or will spank other kids (even the parent) or little animals, etc.
Most parents who spank their kids will spank for almost all misbehaviors. Spanking has a pattern. You start for one misconduct and you finally spank for most misbehaviors. Not suprisingly, most parents who spank their kids confess that spanking does make things worse on the long run. If you spank on a regular basis your kid will definitely misbehave on a regular basis… I also see that most parents who spank their kids don’t give their kids a lot of positive attention on a daily basis.

I had that mother who spanked for all her kid’s misconduct. She had been abused in her childhood… She knew it wasn’t OK and wanted to stop, but spanking for her was like an addiction. Impulsively, she would spank. She knew that the more she spanked, the more her child would misbehave… She felt so guilty as she was crying telling me so. I offered her immediate alternatives since spanking was done to often (up to 10 times a day). After one or two sessions, I started to work on her low self-esteem… After 3 months, she felt so good about herself that she could see that her child was a normal child and needed some positive attention from her… She was able to learn other options and right now, her kid has not so many misbehaviors. Now that she knows that she is a good mother, she is acting as a good one.

So, most parents  know it is not right but they just don’t know what else to do. 10% of the time, spanking will eventually lead to beating. But those parents have no personal ressources or as been themselves victimes of abuse (physical, emotional or sexual abuse, and neglect). Those parents need immediate time off of their kids to get some
psychological therapy…

When I do a personal profile on a parent who regularly spank his child, I always find low self-esteem and poor self-image as a factor or as a clue for spanking… Then, my job is to teach that parent to feel good
about himself and to get him as many ressources as possible (get some time for himself, have someone take care of the child for an hour or so every 2 or 3 days, make friends, talk to other parents about a specific misbehavior and how to deal with it, or teach him all about normal kid’s behaviors, etc). Misbehaving for a child is normal, it is part of the
process of learning. I mean how good as a parent can you feel after spanking your child?

Of course, beeing a parent is no easy task. Unfortunately, no child comes into the world with an instruction manual. It is the only job you will ever be proud of or feel bad about, humanly talking anyway…

After a few sessions of self-esteem tips, many parents will regain self-esteem and ready to try some other alternatives with their kids. They feel good about themselves and want the same for their kids. The day they realise their kids are only kids, they see another picture of their little ones. They also know that their kids are a mirror reflection of them and then, want the best for them.

Finally, to resolve spanking, you have to deal with the parent first, not the child. You also have to learn everything about the development of your child (all the stages they go through…) It has been seen that most children are spanked between 2 and 5 years old. Have you ever wonder why?

I firmly believe that a parent who spank doesn’t feel good about himself. He has some unresolved personal issues and can’t deal with them… So, if YOU can learned how to deal with your personal problems, you will then be able to deal with your kid.

New Mosque  and Islamic School Project.

“He who build a mosque, Allah will build for him a house in the         Heaven.”   Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

Last November South Bay Islamic Association (San Jose, California) purchased a  2.1 Acres of land  site for the purpose of building a New Mosque and to establish a full time Islamic School. Total Cost of the land is $640000.  Alhamdulillah $320000 was         collected last November to make first payment at the close of the escrow. The remaining $320000 interest free loan is due this  Ramadhan on April 15-1990.

Please send your Tax deductible donations to :

Islamic Centre Mosque and School project,
325 North Third Street,
San Jose,
Calif 95112
Tel 408-947-9389.

Please indicate in your memo on the cheque that it is for the NEW MOSQUE/SCHOOL PROJECT.

This Islamic Centre has been active in this area for the last 15 years.  It actively provides religious needs for its Muslim Community. Collects Zakat-ul-Mal and Fitra and distributes it immediately according to the Shariah and tenants laid in Al-Quran. It takes care of the needy, poor both here and abroad. The Centre also provides other services such as Marriage , Funeral  and Family Counselling.

Beside the Islamic School, it also run Arabic Class, Tafsir Programs in English and Urdu, for all.

We have several hundred Islamic Books, for people to borrow. The centre also give free of charge AL-QURAN to Non Muslims, and has been actively conducting Dawa work.

The taraweeh prayer are conducted with complete Quranic recitation every Ramadhan, and will be the same this year. Please join us us if your are in town or local resident.

This investment will have an ever lasting reward, so my dear brothers and sisters open your hearts and be as generous as you can be. So that the Allah (swt) and the future generations may remember us with pride.

Jakakum-ullah Khira  (May Allah Reward you with a better and an everlasting reward).

I am currently looking to obtain some needs assessments and/or assessment tools that have been used in family counselling. There is a family receiving counselling through my Centre. The mother sustained a  head injury, and she and her family have had a very negative experience with many health care professionals involved in her case. Consequently, she and her family have not been too receptive to the tradional counselling interventions that have been used by the counsellor working with them.  The coordinator of my program and I are interested in finding assessment tools to review, apply and/or adapt to the specific dynamics of this family, so that unresolved issues can be dealt with.

Any input would be helpful, including references for specific tools that have been used in family counselling in general, or, those used with families that are/have grappled with the consequences of TBI. I can be reached by e-mail or at work.

You sound as if you are reading a page out of my journal 20 years ago.  Our very smart, under achiever son had/has ADHD.  He was a doll and we were very close until about grade 8 when the peer group superseded the family.

If we had to do it over again, we would have insisted on family counselling.  He needed an abnormal amount of sleep – still does.  We almost lost our marriage as I was the tough one and my husband was lenient.  My husband now says that he wished that he’d stepped in earlier, but he didn’t want his children to feel about him the way he felt about his authoritarian dad.  Boy – do I wish we had gone for the family counselling!!  We tried with the knowledge we had then.  Our son played in the school band, soccer, football, rugby – we kept him really active but the best discipline was Karate.  He was always talkative and peaceful after Karate.

It does work out – the shrink said you have to white knuckle it and allow lots and lots of pain (I went for the counselling) in order to affect change.  My job was to allow life’s lessons to happen and for him to take the full consequences of his actions.  The teen years were not fun – as I got stronger through therapy, the family dynamics changed.  I feel for you.  I know what you are going through.  We asked a police friend why they don’t clamp down on these little shi*ts who aren’t really breaking the law, but are skirting it.  He said it would ruin their lives if charges were pressed – even though juvenile records are supposed to be sealed – everything can be found out if you look hard enough.   I remember the night the
light came on in my husband’s head – he told our son he should throw me against a wall – it would hurt me less than what we were living.  Our son was shocked by his dad’s words and the fact that we were standing united.  If only that had happened 5 years earlier!!

He is now 30, has a wonderful partner and a good life.  He can’t be a corporate person and still has authority issues – so – he figured it out.  He’s a tradesman and is self employed – he works when he wants to.  He likes knowing that there is a beginning and an end to a job with time off in between.

The one thing that we both wished we had done was family counselling because his behaviour has really marked his sister.  I hope you consider this option.