If Dad stays in New York there are lots of excellent children’s mental health services available, or at least were ten years ago when I was there. I would suggest that he look into a couple things:
1. Family counseling for the kids and him. The goal would be to help them unite into a fully functioning, tightly bonded family unit and the kids to resolve their issues with bio mom.
2. Individual counseling for him. The goal would be to provide him support and frustration relief as well as parenting technique training if needed so he can express his thoughts without the kids present. The kids will need to develop their own conclusions about what they think of mom. A support group might work equally well.
3. Sexual abuse survivors group for at least the daughter. The goal would be to allow her to resolve the feelings she has developed related to the sexual abuse. This is a complex area and is often successfully treated in same age peer groups. It helps the victims to truly know that they are not alone in having been through such an experience and helps them reach out to more normalized life patterns. The provider who offers these groups may offer family and individual counseling as well, so I would suggest exploring
this option first to see if one stop shopping for the services is available.
4. Dad time out without the kids. Goal: help dad have down time just like
any other parent.
5. Activities for the kids like sports or other things that will enhance self-esteem. After school/school related stuff is helpful, but I know summer is coming. If they are in the tri-city area there must be other things like the YMCA or Boys/Girls Clubs that run year round that have interesting and relatively inexpensive programs to access.
If Dad does not have insurance for them or finds him unable to pay for the number of sessions suggested by the providers he should explore what NY State can do to assist. They have been one of the well-funded States in the US to assist families with children who have mental health needs. Further, if they qualify by either diagnosis or financial income criterion, the kids might access Medicaid. The diagnosis qualification is through Social Security [SSI] and the financial means test through the Welfare Dept.
The application process can seem to take forever, particularly for SSI, but it is very helpful if the insurance coverage is needed. Also, he can discuss sliding fee scales with providers and even pro-bono services if he is in really difficult straits. Some providers, particularly of sexual abuse survivors’ services, are functioning on grants and have very low fee scales. Do not let cost be a deterrent. In Florida we have a process whereby families can apply to the State for State funds to totally fund these services. Access is through a private agency which contracts with the State to oversee access. The local school system and community mental health agencies for children should know how to access those funds.
Another thought, which will take careful evaluation, is encouraging niece to press charges against the abuser. If this route is being considered Dad and niece should talk with the State’s Attorney’s office to learn what would be done, what the statute of limitations is, if they have a case, etc. Successful conviction can be extremely therapeutic to the victim, allowing them to regain a feeling of control over the perpetrator. Some victims, however, are not emotionally strong enough for the Court Room or are not
able to provide sufficient evidence to convict. Careful evaluation is therefore recommended, probably also with the assistance of her therapist[s].
And, there is one more thing that should be mentioned. The eight year old girl remaining in the bio mom’s home is at risk for sexual abuse. She is nearing the age where your niece states the abuser started abusing her. Most abusers re-offend and they tend to select the same victim type [age/sex] over and over again. That child is in significant danger. From you type it sounds like your family is not seeing her, or only seeing her very very rarely. When/if you see her, you listen for signs of sexual abuse. These include attempts to avoid a certain person, significant personality changes [becoming withdrawn for example],
deterioration in school work, bedwetting, less care taken with appearance [to look less appealing to perpetrator], physical evidence on panties. Some children become suicidal. Often the teens become quite promiscuous. If anyone suspects that that little one is being abused they should phone authorities right away. With a prior report on that family NY State will probably be very quick to investigate any similar reports to new victims. Successful prosecution of the perpetrator for niece’s abuse could possibly protect this child and allow niece to feel that she protected this child from what happened to her. This is often reported by victims to be a very empowering feeling that helps them overcome their concerns about having to face the abuser from the witness stand.
